A Trans-Identified Man’s Guide to Being a Woman
Content Warning: SATIRE, SATIRE, SATIRE, SATIRE, SATIRE and MORE SATIRE. (apart from the bits that aren’t.)
Congratulations! You now identify as a woman. As we are all aware, a man can magically become a woman just by identifying as one. Here’s a helpful guide on changes you will experience now that you are a real woman!
You Can No Longer Walk Alone At Night
Now that you’re a woman, you can’t walk alone at night anymore without being terrified. You might be raped, kidnapped or murdered. If you do walk alone at night, and something bad DOES happen, it will be your fault, because women should know better than to walk alone at night. You’ll be criticised for what you’re wearing, so make sure you’re covered up, even if it’s the middle of summer. Don’t worry though, if you do have to venture out by yourself at night, there are plenty of things that you can do to keep yourself safe. However, do make sure you do ALL of these things, because if you don’t, and something happens, well it’s your fault really, isn’t it? You should have known better.
- Don’t use your smartphone whilst you’re walking.
- Don’t have your hair in a ponytail, as they’re easier for men to grab and control you during an attack.
- Don’t listen to music, so you can be aware of your surroundings.
- Don’t dress provocatively.
- Don’t be drunk.
- Constantly be aware of your surroundings.
- If there’s a man walking behind you, cross the street.
- Make sure to tell a friend where you’re going so she can check in to make sure you arrived safely.
- Go one better, and be on the phone to a friend the whole time, but also don’t forget to be aware of your surroundings, and not use your smartphone whilst you’re walking.
- Listen out for footsteps, rustling bushes, or voices nearby.
- Keep your hands free to defend yourself.
- Keep your keys in your hands to defend yourself.
- Walk with purpose and project confidence, but try not to draw attention to yourself.
- Make sure to know self defence.
- Make sure to carry self defence tools.
- Never walk through suspicious areas, otherwise you’re just asking for trouble.
- DON’T DRESS PROVOCATIVELY! Anything that shows too much skin could be seen as provocative.
Make sure to always do all of these, and more, if you’re going to be out by yourself at night. If you don’t, then you’re just asking for trouble.
Medical Professionals No Longer Take You Seriously
Congratulations, you now have anxiety! Even if you don’t have anxiety, doctors will blame every problem you have on anxiety.
- It could be cancer, but doctors will blame it on anxiety.
- It could be endometriosis, but doctors will blame it on anxiety.
- It could be a stroke, but doctors will blame it on anxiety.
- It could be heart disease, but doctors will blame it on anxiety.
In fact, women are 7 times more likely to be misdiagnosed and discharged from the hospital while they are having a heart attack, according to The New England Journal of Medicine. Women are frequently not taken seriously, and even gaslit, by medical professionals. Now that you’re a woman, if you have any kind of medical problem, you can not expect to no longer be taken seriously by your doctors.
You Are Now More Likely to be Raped
Your chances of being raped in your lifetime have now rapidly increased. In the US, as a man, you have a 1 in 71 chance of being raped in your lifetime. That chance is now 1 in 5! You now need to take every precaution possible to prevent yourself from being raped, because if you don’t, your rape will be seen as your own fault.
- Don’t ever get drunk or otherwise intoxicated. You should know that being intoxicated just makes you more of a target. if you are drunk, you’re being reckless, and you really only have yourself to blame.
- Don’t wear revealing clothing. Ever. If you’re raped and you’re dressed provocatively, then clearly you were just asking for it.
- Don’t be alone with a man you don’t want to have sex with. That’s just sending mixed signals.
- If it does happen, you need to try as hard as you can to stop what is happening. You must scream and fight as much as you can. If you ‘freeze’ as a defence mechanism, that’s your fault. You should have fought back or run away.
- However, NEVER FIGHT BACK, because you might piss him off so much that he kills you. If you just give him what he wants, he might leave you alive.
- If you are raped, you need to tell the police straight away. They won’t believe you, and in the UK there’s only a 2% chance that it’ll actually result in a charge, and the process will be extremely traumatic for you and most likely result in nothing happening. But you have to. Because if you don’t report it immediately, then it wasn’t really rape, was it?
You Are Now More Likely to be Murdered by your Partner or ex-Partner
Data from the UK shows that, on average, 1.53 women per week are killed by a current or former partner. 62% of women killed by a man, are killed by their current or former partner. So congratulations, your male partner is now a massive risk to you! But don’t worry, there are steps you can take to make yourself less likely to be murdered by the man who is supposed to love you.
- A lot of men who kill their partners are under the influence of alcohol. Don’t fall in love with a man who drinks alcohol!
- Don’t make him jealous.
- Don’t make him mad.
- Never make him feel humiliated or offend his masculinity.
- Make sure not to stay with him if you see any red flags for violence.
- However, don’t leave him. Abusive men are more likely to kill you if you try to leave.
You Now Have Periods!
Well, you don’t. But let’s pretend you do.
- You now bleed for 3-7 days straight, every 28 days. Yes, even when you’re asleep. Yes, even when you’re in the bath or the shower. Yes, even when you’re at work.
- You now need to buy menstrual products, that are expensive and taxed.
- You might get heavy periods, where you have to change your pad or tampon every hour. This can lead to iron deficiency.
- You may give birth to huge clots that you will feel coming out of you.
- Any time you get upset, men will assume you’re on your period, and not take you seriously.
- If you’re not extremely careful (and even if you are) you may leak blood through to your trousers. You may leak onto chairs in public places.
- You may have cramps that hurt so badly that you can barely get out of bed. But no one will believe you or care. You will still have to go to work. If you’re lucky, your doctor might prescribe you some paracetamol, otherwise he will just tell you that you have anxiety.
You Now Get Sexually Harassed at Work!
At some point during their life, 81% of women experience sexual harassment in the workplace. So now, you’re not even safe at work!
Now, you may not be able to get a promotion without people assuming you slept your way to the top! That’s if you can even get promoted, as women are 14% less likely to be.
Housework is Now Your Responsibility!
Even if you work as many hours as your male partner, it doesn’t matter. There are so many reasons why you should still have to do all of the housework, pick up after him, and not moan about it. Housework is a woman’s job! And no doubt he works harder than you, even if you work the same amount of hours. He needs a break! Besides, you’re a woman, so you do housework better anyway.
A study published in the journal Work, Employment, and Society found that women spend around 16 hours every week doing household chores, whereas men do around six. Even when both the man and woman in the studied couples have full-time jobs, the women were found to be five times more likely than men to spend at least 20 hours a week doing chores.
Welcome to Womanhood!
So congratulations, and welcome to womanhood.
We hope it’s everything you ever dreamed it would be!