How to Become Oppressed as a White Cishet Man
Let’s admit it, being a straight, white, cisgender man is a bit of a drag. The marginalised groups get to have all of the fun. They get parades, special rights made just for them, their own colourful flags, and more. But as a cishet white man, you’re not allowed to celebrate any aspect of who you are, and you get absolutely no special treatment whatsoever. How unfair!
In this article I’m going to tell you how you, too, can grab a piece of that ‘oppressed privilege’ pie. And the best thing is, you don’t really need to make any significant changes whatsoever to who you are! You can just implement the very simple steps in this article, and TADA! You are a member of an oppressed group, with all of the special treatment that comes with it! You can thank me later.
Identify as Transgender
This is the ultimate oppression package on offer. Thanks to gender ideology, anyone can now just say they’re a woman, and be accepted as a woman. This is helpful to you, because it allows you access to not just one, but TWO marginalised groups – woman, and trans.
🙂 You’re now female, without physically changing anything about yourself at all.
🙂 Exclusive access to women’s spaces (public toilets, showers, hospital wards).
🙂 You can garner attention and pity by campaigning for women’s rights.
🙂 You can garner attention and pity by campaigning for trans rights.
🙂 You are now a protected group. If anyone dares to discriminate against you, you can sue the f*ck out of them, make loads of money, and garner massive amounts of attention and pity.
Identify as Non-Binary
Have you considered becoming a genderless alien? If the embarrassment of wearing a dress and having people call you ‘she’ is just too much embarrassment for you, then this is the oppression package for you.
🙂 You’re not limited to using only women’s spaces. You can use male OR female single-sex spaces, depending on how your magical gendered soul is feeling today. If you want to just piss and get on with it, you can claim you’re feeling masculine today, and use the mens. But if you feel like you’re desperate for a bit of oppression today, you can claim you feel feminine and use the ladies.
🙂 You don’t even have to use female pronouns if you don’t want to. You can use they/them, or even continue using he/him if you choose to. That’s the good thing about non-binary – you can claim the identity even if you change absolutely nothing at all about yourself.
🙂 People will think you’re brave, cool and interesting.
Identify as ‘Queer’
What does this even mean? No one really knows. It used to be a slur, but now apparently it is a ‘valid identity’. It’s an umbrella term for anyone who isn’t cisgender or heterosexual. It could mean anything! It’s a nice easy identity to claim if you want to be ‘special’ and ‘oppressed’.
🙂 You don’t have to do anything at all. Just claim that you’re ‘queer’, and suddenly you’re a special snowflake.
Welcome to the LGBTQWERTYLOL+!
We hope you can use your new identify to gain all of the attention you’ve ever dreamed of!